To Pull The Trigger
by Le Confidant
Summary: ...because sometimes that is the only way to let go. Riza x OC. AU, Pastverse. VERY DARK. Maybe OOC.


A/N:** This is a dark fic and a disturbing one.** All of you that follow me already know of the emotional roller coaster I'm capable of. All of you who are new to my stories, be warned. This story talks about depression, dubious consent and suicidal thoughts. It can trigger or stir emotions. If you are in a vulnerable state at this moment, please do yourself a favor and click back.

A childhood friend of mine recently completed suicide and this was the only outlet that would purge me of the grief I've been holding on to for almost a month. Frankly I don't expect any reviews from this story but you're more than welcome to leave a few words here. No flames though because you were warned that this story is not for everybody to read.

~Le Confidant

* * *

You can't help but curse under your breath as the pain travels from your foot all the way to your thigh. You bend down and pick up the article that caused your misfortune.

"Dad's revolver…" You mutter as the corner of your lips cast down in disgust.

You exit the cramped storage area and head over to the humble space that you have reserved for your dining table. You set the box on top of the table with the utmost care then you sit down in front of the offensive article. You stare at the wooden box as you move your gaze to the family crest. You stop at the brass lock and you ask yourself if you should pop open the accursed thing, because you know what that really entails. Your heart starts beating faster.

You close your eyes for a moment and try to cast your fears away but in the end you can't stop the rush of painful memories from escaping the deepest parts of your mind. You now try to force back the tears that are threatening to come out. You open your eyes and scowl at that infernal box. Not thinking it twice you undo the lock and open the wood box.

You find yourself staring at its contents with a mixture of both revulsion and fascination. You pick up the old revolver and snap open its cylinder. You see that it still remains empty, as empty as you left it seven years ago. You set the cylinder back in place and by impulse you give it a spin. After it stops spinning you wrap your index finger around the trigger.

Click.

_You keep observing him from behind your locker and blush every time he looks your way. You want to talk to him but you are too shy to do so. Your best friend pulls a fast one on you and you end up talking to your crush. His name is Irving and he's a year older than you. He comes from Dublith and he's in the academy to make his family proud— And most important, he confesses that he likes you too._

_He tells you the right things. He tells you that he loves you. He tells you that one day he wants to marry you… He asks you to "love him too". You agree to "loving him too"._

_You feel so uncomfortable without your clothes on. So vulnerable, so exposed. You see him walk out of the bathroom and he's as naked as you are. You blush from actually seeing his male anatomy —one thing was to feel it under clothes but to actually see it— It just makes it all too real. You get scared. You hesitate just a little bit._

_It hurts like hell. You tell him it hurts but he doesn't hear you or at least it seemed that way. You want to get him off but you can't. Wasn't he supposed to be gentle? Wasn't your first time supposed to feel special? You just bear it down as best as you can and try to make the moment feel pleasant, because that nagging feeling of wrongness is probably just a figment of your imagination._

Click.

_You're late. You're five days late. You panic. You tell yourself it's all in your head._

_You're seven days late and decide to tell him that you're seven days late. You start contemplating the possibility of a pregnancy. You actually imagine what is was to be a wife— And a mother._

_"You better take care of it because you're not pining that shit on me!" He tells you._

_Your world collapses right then and there._

_Thank the heavens that it was a false alarm. Your period returns with a vengeance but you question if those cramps were normal._

Click.

_You walk down the hallway and you see all the boys staring at you while mocking smiles adorned their acne-prone faces. You also notice that the girls look down on you… Makes you wonder why._

_You painfully find out that the "love of your life" never actually loved you and that you were a "bet" to see if "the weird girl" would actually "loosen up". The "love of your life" told every minute detail of your private conversations, ministrations, to his buddies— He even told them that you were "as lame as you looked."_

_Those devastating news literarily shattered your soul, leaving in its wake an empty shell of the innocent girl you once were._

Click.

_You enter your dorm room and lock the door. You open that big old chest you've brought with you from the remnants you once called home and take out a wooden box. You open it and take your father's revolver out. You feel it so heavy in your trembling hands. You snap open the cylinder and see that six bullets snugly rest inside. You put the cylinder back in place and spin it. Where will you shoot? In the temple, so you can stop your brain from reminding you what a gullible idiot you've been? In the chest, so your heart would stop its incessant crying? Would you pull the trigger right there in your room or would you do it in the showers— Or in front of HIM?_

_You keep staring at the barrel… Staring… Staring. Your eyes drowns in your tears and you put the gun down. You cry and cry to your heart's contempt. Such cathartic reaction quells your desire to end it all but it doesn't fix the void that it still left in your soul._

_You are to be deployed to Ishval and fleeting thoughts of ways to die haunt your mind from time to time. You are now killing innocents and this only makes your void grow bigger. You desperately try to fill the void with random lays, but it doesn't work. Once again you begin to toy with the contents of that wooden box… The vastness of his onyx eyes, his velvety baritone voice and his dreams of a better future finally helped you seal away the void._

Click.

You find yourself frowning at that damnable article in your hands. The void escaped its prison and it's now trying to consume you. Despair and self-loathing are running through every fiber in your body. You know you need to eradicate all those dastardly memories and cast them down to the hell that they came from. You need to end it now. You need to end it for good.

Without giving it much thought you quickly press the barrel to your right temple and you pull the trigger.

**oo-OOO-oo**

Roy raised his gaze from the sea of paperwork he had in front of him and smiled with candor. He always smiled with candor when he saw her.

"Good morning Lieutenant."

"Good morning Sir."

Roy's eyes immediately posed on the old wooden box. He knew of its history and what it meant to his Lieutenant.

"I pulled the trigger, Sir," Riza said, not giving him a chance to even begin a line of questioning.

Roy just smiled. He got up and walked around his desk and headed towards her. He pressed her close to him, embracing his Liutenant with tender love.

Usually First-Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye would reproach such acts of blatant affection but not this time. She needed to be held by the man she devotes her life to.

"Roy—"

"Shh. Don't talk." He held her even closer.

"Please— Please melt it away."

Roy breaks the embrace and looks at her sad cinnamon eyes. "So you finally made your peace with all of it?"

"Yes Roy." She says with a rueful smile.

Roy holds her close again. "I'm glad Riza," he whispers into her ear, "I'm glad you finally decided to give life another chance."

* * *

A/N: I just want to part with these words: "You are as alone as you allow yourself to be."

Never bottle up anything that hurts you because it will fester into something that you might not be able to handle. Leave ego and pride on the door and seek help because there will always be someone who will help you heal.


End file.
